thoughtnot

Call me a chauvinist, but in the world of men, there are unwritten rules that must be followed. For some reason, however, many guys seem to have lost touch with these rules. Perhaps for the reclusiveness of our fathers (or the lack of having a father), they are not being passed down. Therefore, I thought it would be fun to summarize some of them here. A few of them are long-standing, and a few I have made up. There are of course many more than I’ve listed, but this should be a good primer.

Pass these on…

1) The Crying Rule. In the company of men, crying is not permitted. The only exception is when you are drunk, and someone just damaged your car or stole your woman. Other than that, there are no good reasons. In the company of women, crying was formerly not be permitted either. However that rule has been repealed. As long as no men or children are present, you may cry under any condition that advances your cause.

2) The Restroom Rule. It goes like this: if there are only two urinals, and one is in use, you use a stall. If a stall is in use and another is available, you use it first. If more than one urinal or more than one stall are available, you may use one provided that it is NOT directly next to the one in use. Otherwise, you must wait. Also, unless he is your close friend, there is no good reason to speak to the guy next to you. (I like the people at my new place of employment, but several guys seem unaware of this rule. It needs to be posted.)

3) The TV Sports Rule. This rule states that if a guy is actively watching a sporting event on television, the channel is not to be changed under any circumstances without his approval. This rule also extends to listening only, and includes the full span of commercial breaks. This rule is because we know how these things work… someone wants to “just look and see” what else is on, and the next thing we know instead of Monday Night Football we’re watching “The OC”.

4) The Reciprocal Beer Rule. If you finish your buddy’s last beer, it is your obligation to replace it sooner than later. That means either buying him a six pack (meaning he now owes you), or buying him one the next time you go to a bar or restaurant. This is the gift that keeps on giving.

5) The Liquor Rule. If you are offered a drink consisting of Bourbon, whiskey, or scotch, do not turn it down and request a beer. You are being offered a gentlemen’s drink, and should accept it accordingly. You do not have to actually finish off the drink - leaving some in the glass is acceptable. The only polite reason for refusing it is to say “No thanks, I’m driving” or “No thanks, I do not drink.”

6) The Women, Children, and Cigars Rule. It is safe to say that most women do not like cigars, and most children do not need to know about smoking. Therefore, as a general show of respect, cigars should be smoked out of their presence. That means either in a separate room, or outdoors. Also - if you are a guy who does not like cigars and you are offered one, you should decline it politely. There is nothing worse than seeing someone accept a $10-15 cigar and place it in his pocket (you know it’ll be wasted). However, you should join the other guys in the designated smoking area for conversation. You don’t want to be labeled as insociable, and 30 minutes of second-hand smoke is NOT going to kill you.

7) The Hotel Room Rule. When traveling on business or even for pleasure, there is NO reason for two men to share a hotel room UNLESS there are two beds in the room. The ONLY circumstance when it may be “acceptable” to share the bed (and only then if a couch or pullout is not available) is if you have known the other person for a lifetime. Also, when traveling with family, men should always enter and inspect a room first to make sure it is suitable for his wife and children.

8) The Restaurant Rule. When in the presence of women and children, and ordering food in a restaurant, you should always allow them to order first. When dining with other men that are not considered close friends (e.g. business, etc.), the person with the most clout or age takes precedence.

9. The Car Rule. Whenever possible, never let your gas tank run below 1/4 of a tank. This allows you to get lost without admitting it. It also allows for safety and prevents the excuse of “I didn’t know how” when it comes to wives and children. Oil should always be changed every 3-4,000 miles for the same reason. No self-respecting guy will have blue smoke blowing from his tailpipe. And, excepting long trips, the guy should drive. Otherwise your recommended shortcuts will make you really appear lost.

10. The Shower Rule. Men take showers. Period. The only good reason to take a bath is a) the tub is a whirlpool or hot tub, and b) you’ve been invited by a pretty lady (*wink wink*). As a rider to this rule, I would like to add that unless you are absolutely alone, dropped soap stays on the floor. No exceptions. Ever.

© Mike, 2004